Thursday, November 26, 2009

Warning: Message Boards

Let me preface this with college message boards. Pretty much all message board users are nerds, but guys in professional sports are fair game. College athletes, in my opinion, are not, as long as they don't commit serious adult crimes.

I'm not going to lie, I used to be a message board knob. You have a few minutes to kill, hop onto a message board to read other fans opinion's on 'such and such' college team, and maybe once out of every 50 threads you get a riveting conversation where you actually get up from your sweaty seat feeling like less of a delinquent than a Star Wars loser.

Well, I had to stop and for an excellent reason: message boards are for honks to trash children, and yes, these are children. 18 to 22, sometimes 23 year old children and it's pretty pathetic to witness full-grown men anonymously and courageously dismiss and trash these student-athletes.

I'm not saying every message board contributor is a jerk. Maybe one out of every hundred is actually a swell guy. And I'm not saying one can't judge either. If you want to put an athlete down because he or she was busted smoking pot then be my guest. Weird, college kids smoking pot. I bet no one reading this has ever partaken in such heathenism.

I can't believe a student-athlete would talk his team up before a game or against a rival too. The nerve...

Reporter: "How do you feel about playing State this weekend?"

Athlete: "I think if we come out and play our game, we'll win."

Message Board Geek: "Oh man, did you read that? He's trashing my team! That kid sucks and I hope he breaks his leg! The team needs to use this as bulletin board material."

And then they end it with something cool like, "OMG" or "LOL," whatever that crap means.

And it's perfectly fine to discredit the kid because we all know he's wrong and the young man or woman doesn't deserve an opinion. Why're they talking 'smack' to the media anyway? Pffft, dumb kids...

I wonder if there's a Message Board-Aholics meeting somewhere. Like, they show up and try to keep their identities concealed by dressing as a Storm Trooper and only refer to themselves by their online handle.

"That's got to be PhearMySpear over there."

"How can you tell?"

"He's holding a giant spear."

One of my favorite message board tools is "Recruitnik Guy." You know, the guy that knows everything about anything in college recruiting and thinks he's a total bad ass when, in actuality, he's a tool that thinks he's genuine, but all he does for a living is follow kids around like some Dateline stalker. Following recruiting is fine and all, but get a life, dude. This guy's predictions come true 10% of the time. And don't rag on a kid because he chose a different school than your own. These kids are put in a position to make grown-up decisions and if choosing school A over B even though A is clearly the better choice, in your opinion, doesn't mean school B is crap. You should actually be happy that a child is getting a chance at an education. But no, you're miserable.

Then, of course, you have to rush online to let all of your buddies know that he made the wrong choice.

"I hope he likes losing for 3 years. What a loser! Okay, I'll talk to you guys later. I'm off to see Harry Potter."

"Internet Tough Guy" is awesome too. The guy that tells you he's sitting in section 204, row R, seat 11 and he'll be waiting to pummel you because he's actually 6'6", 270 pounds, ripped, and is an MMA fighter. This guy's a colossal imbecile and doesn't allow others to state their opinions without slamming his fists on the keyboard, poised to fight. He later hides his Frodo doll when his girlfriend decides to come over.

"You can't say that about my quarterback! Meet me out front of gate D after the game. I'll be wearing an Affliction shirt, 6 sizes too small, and I'm humongous. Come see me if you have the guts."

There are about twenty other glossed "Guys," like "Thesaurus Guy" who has to use massive words of the English vernacular to get his point across, but comes out looking like a super tool. "Has To Be Right Guy" that'll argue his point even though he's been proven wrong and again, but for some reason feels compelled to continue to debate. And "Just Wants To Be Annoying Guy" who, well, just wants to annoy everyone with incoherent banter.

Most of these posters make the internet message board experience a lame one and in some way or another each one of these dipsticks enjoys putting down college kids and the only explanation I see fitting is because they're such deplorable simpletons that it makes them feel better to crack on a rival team's student-athletes incognito.

Dog the coaches and staff. Leave the kids alone.

This rant has gone long enough and I'm pretty sure I've got my point across. Now, if you'll excuse me, I just rented "Star Trek."

No comments: